A new direction.

So.
It would seem that over the last few weeks I've gotten my head in a much better place.

I'm finding it easier to not be so defensive and take everything my partner says so personally. I have a more optimistic outlook on life in general too.

I'm by no means fixed, I don't think I ever will be completely. I'm always going to have my little issues. But how I react and act based on those issues makes a world of difference to how smoothly my life runs.

I've decided I no longer want to do the job im currently in. Putting all the playground politics and ego clashes to one side, it is actually a very rewarding job. But its no longer enough for me. I feel like I'm wasting myself here. I could make so much more of me. The only question is what?

Those that know me always tell me I should work in I.T. which would be great, but I've been there, done that. When you have to fix a computer or solve a network issue because you have to rather than because you want to, the fun suddenly disappears.

So for now I'm scouring job ads, mulling ideas over. Trying to make decisions. It's not easy when you have no real direction already in mind. I have a few ideas, most of them would in the short term make life very difficult, but ultimately worth the effort. Some of them are possible, but wouldn't amount to much, and some are just complete pipe dreams.

One idea that always seems to bubble to the surface is writing. But this I've also tried. Unless you know what you want to write about in the first place it can be very.difficult.

I'm a big fan of the cyberpunk and science fiction genres. I have tons of ideas for cyberpunk fiction (as if there's any other kind of cyberpunk) but knitting those ideas together to form a coherent plot and characters is my downfall.

I have a note stored on my phone, I use it to jot down ideas for characters and plots I have for stories, who knows maybe one day I'll have enough for a story.

They say there's a novel inside everyone. When is mine going to make an appearance?

Words.

Random wordage in a some what poetic appearance. Off the top of my head.

Deflated, berated, sometimes hated
Understated, never rated, feel like I've been wasted.
Feeling the hatred, becoming elated
The rage in my brain becomes demonstrated.

Face burns red, I see oceans of dead, all around carnage, tears become shed. Feel I'd be better off dead, can't deal with what's in my head. I'll hide my words instead.

Devastation, will deflation, upside down conversation. Happiness on vacation, angers back in the station.
Manifestations of my frustrations, my rabid machinations twist every situation.

Soon after it subsides, feeling calm inside. The horrible rage is denied, deep down it will hide. But it will never provide reasons for my emotional suicide.

Feeling remorse is just par for the course. Guilt becomes a new force, a freshly gained source of uncontrollable thoughts.

Try my best to stay calm but soon my brain it just arms itself with new qualms where there's really no harm.

I miss music.

For the last week or so, I've been suffering from an ear blocked up with wax. Now I say suffering because I really have.

Anyone who knows me will tell you that music is a huge part of my life. Making and listening to music are my outlets. When things are getting me down, or I want to relax or if I'm feeling creative, music is my saviour.

Only recently I can't listen to anything properly, and It's really starting to bug me. I've been so desperate for a fix that I've been listening to my music through one ear....loudly. It's so disappointing to feel like you're next to the music rather than surrounded by it. I now know how it must have felt to hear music in stereo for the first time.

Music really is a big thing for me. From playing with badly out of tune guitars right up to fully fledged music production suites. Most people enjoy music on one level or another. I enjoy it to the extreme. I don't just listen, I analyse it. I register every intro, melody and chorus. I enjoy the writers chord and tempo changes. I observe how the drums and the bass and everything else together form a complex pattern. The pattern that more or less stays the same throughout the piece but has subtle chord changes that amuse and bring surprise. Changes in drum patterns that mix it up a little.

I appreciate all music, every genre from every country. It doesn't matter if I like it or not. When I think through the piece I can imagine the pleasure its creator must have felt putting it all together.

Strange habits.

So, as all babies/infants do, they explore and experiment with themselves and their bodies to learn about what it can and can't do. Today Zak found a new thing to do. He's already playing with his bits as most boys do (which incidentally never stops once we find out we have them). I expected that, what I didn't expect was him testing his gag reflex!

There he was sitting in his high chair, spoon in hand. Doing his usual which normally consists of fitting as much food into his mouth as he can, or rubbing it into his face, when all of a sudden he decided to see how far he could jam a spoon in there. What followed was gagging noises, a red face and lots of dribbles. My first reaction was to take the spoon away, but then instead he decided to shove his fingers down his throat! He spent the remainder of his lunchtime trying every which way possible to make himself gag.

If you've ever experienced what it feels like to gag like that, you'll understand that its not at all pleasant, which makes me wonder why on earth he was so determined to it. Maybe its just a new sensation and he's just making the most of it. I just hope he stops doing it soon because the sight and sound of it makes me queasy!

Poor mums!

My mother doesn't drive and neither do I.
I remember as a kid how we used to take the bus into town to do the weekly shopping. Now my mother used to have my sister and I and a week's worth of shopping to carry on one trip. She always, from what I can remember, used to manage it with ease. I have no idea how she managed I really don't.

Today I took Zak on the bus to pick him up some bits and pieces. Nowhere near the amount my mum had to get, and it nearly killed me! So now when I see a mum with a ton of shopping and one or more children in tow my heart goes out to them.

Mums are brilliant. Seeing deb with Zak always reminds me of that. The way his little face lights up with a big gummy smile, arms out stretched ready to give her cuddles.

It's funny really how I've spent so much time seeking affection and attention when all along without even realising it I have a little boy who gives me all the love I need to keep me going.

I've been so blind and caused so much distress and heart ache when all I needed has been right in front of me all along.

It's time I changed so I can get my life back on track. I'm never going to get anywhere thinking of myself and playing the pity card. I realise now that I'm only going to get love if I have love to give. Which I do. The solution is so simple, I just need to listen, and act accordingly. I'm not a victim so I need to stop behaving like one.

It's no easy task believe me. When you spend 30 years of your life with only yourself to look after its hard to put others first. But I know that's what I've been doing wrong. I spend a lot of time thinking that the problems I have are because I'm not getting what I want, when in reality I'm never going to get what I want unless I first give others what they want. It has to work both ways. No amount of complaining, whining, bickering or finger pointing can achieve what I want to achieve. Only by being selfless and putting others first, namely my son and partner will I get me the affection I would like.

I wonder...

I wonder what zak will chose as a profession when he's older?

One thing myself and his mother both love is music. I have my headphones on at every given opportunity, I have them on now as I write this. I also compose/produce music. This seems to be a trait that he definitely has. He loves to bop to music, he loves Take That (not my fault) and most other music. I've put my headphones on him a few times and every time he hears music, he listens with an intensity that's far greater than a passing curiosity. You can see the look on his face as he analyses every beat, every nuance, every lyric and tempo change.

We used to play music to him when he was swimming around in Debras belly. He would move to where the music was coming from so he could hear it better. At least that's what we like to think he was doing.

So maybe he'll have a musical career.

But then there's still time for him to become interested in new things, so who knows. All I know is I'm looking forward to introducing him to more and more things. I want to show him that the world can be an amazing place and he can make whatever he wants out of life.

More thoughts.

So I feel the need to talk.

What better place than here to air my current thoughts.

I've spent the last hour looking at pictures of my son. It's amazing how much he's  changed in such a short space of time.

From laying around on the floor to his favorite past time of pulling himself up to stand on furniture. From only being able to cry to saying mum and dad. From a gorgeous little smile to big belly laughs.

He has a personality now too. His little tantrums when he doesnt get his way. Being happy that he's banging two stacking cups together. Seeing how much of his penguin or starfish he can fit into his.mouth to chew. He's very inquisitive, there's very little he isn't interested in. I once managed to entertain him with one of his shoes for half an hour.

I love to watch him. The way he studies everything by slowly turning it around in his hands and looking at it from every angle. The little faces he pulls as he manoeuvres himself around on the floor. The attention he pays to your face when you pull faces at him. How he looks at the pictures on my t-shirts and then tries to pull them off. The way he plays peekaboo with my belly....yes you read that correctly. If I lay on the floor, he comes to me, pulls my t-shirt up and giggles at my hairy belly, he usually does this a few times before he.decides he then wants to chew my belt.
I love that he whispers babble to me and how he growls like a monster. He spent the best part of two days trying to curl his.tongue like mum and dad. He still can't yet, but I dare say it won't be much longer before he can.

I love watching him give mum kisses by planting sloppy licks on her face, and even tries to blow raspberries on her. I love how the simplest of his actions can bring a smile to mums face. I love how he holds my face or snuggles into my neck to get himself to sleep. Although I'm not a fan of it when he pulls my ear rings!

So many traits and habits at only 9 months old. I have loved watching him grow quickly from a baby to a little person. I can't wait to see how much more amazing he gets.

Don't know what you have until you lose it.

So, it's been a very long time since I posted anything on here.
I've been wrapped up in a plethora of drama. Which has been spearheaded by yours truly.

To surmise briefly I've been an arse. A real arse. A total complete and utter arse.

I have been coping with depression. I suppose on some level I've always been depressed. I have good days and bad, but lately I've been letting my issues affect other people, namely my partner. I've given her complete hell for the last 9 months. I've been expecting her to give me attention and affection when my moods have made her not want to. To say my behaviour has been unacceptable would indeed be an understatement.

I've made things so bad that I had to stay with my parents for 3 days. I became so wrapped up in my own internal dialogues and frustrations that I completely lost focus of what I should be doing. In those 3 days I didn't see my son once, which explains the title of this post. During those 3 days I had lots of time to think about what I've done and what I need to do to put things right.

I need to stop being so pig headed and realise that I'm not always right.
I need to stop trying to place the blame on other people for my actions.
I need to put my son first before everything.else.

That's what hurt me the most in that brief period of time. Not seeing my son tore me apart. I did consider visiting but with things so tense between her and myself I decided it would be best not to, because I didnt want an argument to break out in front of him, it wasn't a wise decision, but you live.and learn.

I've hurt my partner so much and I've made her doubt a future for us together. Those 3 days made me realise that I can't expect things to happen as quickly as I want. I have to be patient. I have to be understanding. I wish I could take back the horrible things I've said to her, but sadly I can't, the damage has been done.

So at this current moment in time my partner understandably is still enraged with me and my actions. I have now got myself some counseling organised.
So fingers crossed I can start to work through my issues for the sake of my son and my partner.

I know this blog was started as a way for my son to get some insight into what makes me tick as a person, so if you're reading this zak, I love you Mr T. Sorry I  wasn't around those last few days, I'll make it up to you I promise.