Don't know what you have until you lose it.

So, it's been a very long time since I posted anything on here.
I've been wrapped up in a plethora of drama. Which has been spearheaded by yours truly.

To surmise briefly I've been an arse. A real arse. A total complete and utter arse.

I have been coping with depression. I suppose on some level I've always been depressed. I have good days and bad, but lately I've been letting my issues affect other people, namely my partner. I've given her complete hell for the last 9 months. I've been expecting her to give me attention and affection when my moods have made her not want to. To say my behaviour has been unacceptable would indeed be an understatement.

I've made things so bad that I had to stay with my parents for 3 days. I became so wrapped up in my own internal dialogues and frustrations that I completely lost focus of what I should be doing. In those 3 days I didn't see my son once, which explains the title of this post. During those 3 days I had lots of time to think about what I've done and what I need to do to put things right.

I need to stop being so pig headed and realise that I'm not always right.
I need to stop trying to place the blame on other people for my actions.
I need to put my son first before everything.else.

That's what hurt me the most in that brief period of time. Not seeing my son tore me apart. I did consider visiting but with things so tense between her and myself I decided it would be best not to, because I didnt want an argument to break out in front of him, it wasn't a wise decision, but you live.and learn.

I've hurt my partner so much and I've made her doubt a future for us together. Those 3 days made me realise that I can't expect things to happen as quickly as I want. I have to be patient. I have to be understanding. I wish I could take back the horrible things I've said to her, but sadly I can't, the damage has been done.

So at this current moment in time my partner understandably is still enraged with me and my actions. I have now got myself some counseling organised.
So fingers crossed I can start to work through my issues for the sake of my son and my partner.

I know this blog was started as a way for my son to get some insight into what makes me tick as a person, so if you're reading this zak, I love you Mr T. Sorry I  wasn't around those last few days, I'll make it up to you I promise.