Words.

Random wordage in a some what poetic appearance. Off the top of my head.

Deflated, berated, sometimes hated
Understated, never rated, feel like I've been wasted.
Feeling the hatred, becoming elated
The rage in my brain becomes demonstrated.

Face burns red, I see oceans of dead, all around carnage, tears become shed. Feel I'd be better off dead, can't deal with what's in my head. I'll hide my words instead.

Devastation, will deflation, upside down conversation. Happiness on vacation, angers back in the station.
Manifestations of my frustrations, my rabid machinations twist every situation.

Soon after it subsides, feeling calm inside. The horrible rage is denied, deep down it will hide. But it will never provide reasons for my emotional suicide.

Feeling remorse is just par for the course. Guilt becomes a new force, a freshly gained source of uncontrollable thoughts.

Try my best to stay calm but soon my brain it just arms itself with new qualms where there's really no harm.

I miss music.

For the last week or so, I've been suffering from an ear blocked up with wax. Now I say suffering because I really have.

Anyone who knows me will tell you that music is a huge part of my life. Making and listening to music are my outlets. When things are getting me down, or I want to relax or if I'm feeling creative, music is my saviour.

Only recently I can't listen to anything properly, and It's really starting to bug me. I've been so desperate for a fix that I've been listening to my music through one ear....loudly. It's so disappointing to feel like you're next to the music rather than surrounded by it. I now know how it must have felt to hear music in stereo for the first time.

Music really is a big thing for me. From playing with badly out of tune guitars right up to fully fledged music production suites. Most people enjoy music on one level or another. I enjoy it to the extreme. I don't just listen, I analyse it. I register every intro, melody and chorus. I enjoy the writers chord and tempo changes. I observe how the drums and the bass and everything else together form a complex pattern. The pattern that more or less stays the same throughout the piece but has subtle chord changes that amuse and bring surprise. Changes in drum patterns that mix it up a little.

I appreciate all music, every genre from every country. It doesn't matter if I like it or not. When I think through the piece I can imagine the pleasure its creator must have felt putting it all together.

Strange habits.

So, as all babies/infants do, they explore and experiment with themselves and their bodies to learn about what it can and can't do. Today Zak found a new thing to do. He's already playing with his bits as most boys do (which incidentally never stops once we find out we have them). I expected that, what I didn't expect was him testing his gag reflex!

There he was sitting in his high chair, spoon in hand. Doing his usual which normally consists of fitting as much food into his mouth as he can, or rubbing it into his face, when all of a sudden he decided to see how far he could jam a spoon in there. What followed was gagging noises, a red face and lots of dribbles. My first reaction was to take the spoon away, but then instead he decided to shove his fingers down his throat! He spent the remainder of his lunchtime trying every which way possible to make himself gag.

If you've ever experienced what it feels like to gag like that, you'll understand that its not at all pleasant, which makes me wonder why on earth he was so determined to it. Maybe its just a new sensation and he's just making the most of it. I just hope he stops doing it soon because the sight and sound of it makes me queasy!

Poor mums!

My mother doesn't drive and neither do I.
I remember as a kid how we used to take the bus into town to do the weekly shopping. Now my mother used to have my sister and I and a week's worth of shopping to carry on one trip. She always, from what I can remember, used to manage it with ease. I have no idea how she managed I really don't.

Today I took Zak on the bus to pick him up some bits and pieces. Nowhere near the amount my mum had to get, and it nearly killed me! So now when I see a mum with a ton of shopping and one or more children in tow my heart goes out to them.

Mums are brilliant. Seeing deb with Zak always reminds me of that. The way his little face lights up with a big gummy smile, arms out stretched ready to give her cuddles.

It's funny really how I've spent so much time seeking affection and attention when all along without even realising it I have a little boy who gives me all the love I need to keep me going.

I've been so blind and caused so much distress and heart ache when all I needed has been right in front of me all along.

It's time I changed so I can get my life back on track. I'm never going to get anywhere thinking of myself and playing the pity card. I realise now that I'm only going to get love if I have love to give. Which I do. The solution is so simple, I just need to listen, and act accordingly. I'm not a victim so I need to stop behaving like one.

It's no easy task believe me. When you spend 30 years of your life with only yourself to look after its hard to put others first. But I know that's what I've been doing wrong. I spend a lot of time thinking that the problems I have are because I'm not getting what I want, when in reality I'm never going to get what I want unless I first give others what they want. It has to work both ways. No amount of complaining, whining, bickering or finger pointing can achieve what I want to achieve. Only by being selfless and putting others first, namely my son and partner will I get me the affection I would like.