I wonder...

I wonder what zak will chose as a profession when he's older?

One thing myself and his mother both love is music. I have my headphones on at every given opportunity, I have them on now as I write this. I also compose/produce music. This seems to be a trait that he definitely has. He loves to bop to music, he loves Take That (not my fault) and most other music. I've put my headphones on him a few times and every time he hears music, he listens with an intensity that's far greater than a passing curiosity. You can see the look on his face as he analyses every beat, every nuance, every lyric and tempo change.

We used to play music to him when he was swimming around in Debras belly. He would move to where the music was coming from so he could hear it better. At least that's what we like to think he was doing.

So maybe he'll have a musical career.

But then there's still time for him to become interested in new things, so who knows. All I know is I'm looking forward to introducing him to more and more things. I want to show him that the world can be an amazing place and he can make whatever he wants out of life.

More thoughts.

So I feel the need to talk.

What better place than here to air my current thoughts.

I've spent the last hour looking at pictures of my son. It's amazing how much he's  changed in such a short space of time.

From laying around on the floor to his favorite past time of pulling himself up to stand on furniture. From only being able to cry to saying mum and dad. From a gorgeous little smile to big belly laughs.

He has a personality now too. His little tantrums when he doesnt get his way. Being happy that he's banging two stacking cups together. Seeing how much of his penguin or starfish he can fit into his.mouth to chew. He's very inquisitive, there's very little he isn't interested in. I once managed to entertain him with one of his shoes for half an hour.

I love to watch him. The way he studies everything by slowly turning it around in his hands and looking at it from every angle. The little faces he pulls as he manoeuvres himself around on the floor. The attention he pays to your face when you pull faces at him. How he looks at the pictures on my t-shirts and then tries to pull them off. The way he plays peekaboo with my belly....yes you read that correctly. If I lay on the floor, he comes to me, pulls my t-shirt up and giggles at my hairy belly, he usually does this a few times before he.decides he then wants to chew my belt.
I love that he whispers babble to me and how he growls like a monster. He spent the best part of two days trying to curl his.tongue like mum and dad. He still can't yet, but I dare say it won't be much longer before he can.

I love watching him give mum kisses by planting sloppy licks on her face, and even tries to blow raspberries on her. I love how the simplest of his actions can bring a smile to mums face. I love how he holds my face or snuggles into my neck to get himself to sleep. Although I'm not a fan of it when he pulls my ear rings!

So many traits and habits at only 9 months old. I have loved watching him grow quickly from a baby to a little person. I can't wait to see how much more amazing he gets.

Don't know what you have until you lose it.

So, it's been a very long time since I posted anything on here.
I've been wrapped up in a plethora of drama. Which has been spearheaded by yours truly.

To surmise briefly I've been an arse. A real arse. A total complete and utter arse.

I have been coping with depression. I suppose on some level I've always been depressed. I have good days and bad, but lately I've been letting my issues affect other people, namely my partner. I've given her complete hell for the last 9 months. I've been expecting her to give me attention and affection when my moods have made her not want to. To say my behaviour has been unacceptable would indeed be an understatement.

I've made things so bad that I had to stay with my parents for 3 days. I became so wrapped up in my own internal dialogues and frustrations that I completely lost focus of what I should be doing. In those 3 days I didn't see my son once, which explains the title of this post. During those 3 days I had lots of time to think about what I've done and what I need to do to put things right.

I need to stop being so pig headed and realise that I'm not always right.
I need to stop trying to place the blame on other people for my actions.
I need to put my son first before everything.else.

That's what hurt me the most in that brief period of time. Not seeing my son tore me apart. I did consider visiting but with things so tense between her and myself I decided it would be best not to, because I didnt want an argument to break out in front of him, it wasn't a wise decision, but you live.and learn.

I've hurt my partner so much and I've made her doubt a future for us together. Those 3 days made me realise that I can't expect things to happen as quickly as I want. I have to be patient. I have to be understanding. I wish I could take back the horrible things I've said to her, but sadly I can't, the damage has been done.

So at this current moment in time my partner understandably is still enraged with me and my actions. I have now got myself some counseling organised.
So fingers crossed I can start to work through my issues for the sake of my son and my partner.

I know this blog was started as a way for my son to get some insight into what makes me tick as a person, so if you're reading this zak, I love you Mr T. Sorry I  wasn't around those last few days, I'll make it up to you I promise.