A new direction.

So.
It would seem that over the last few weeks I've gotten my head in a much better place.

I'm finding it easier to not be so defensive and take everything my partner says so personally. I have a more optimistic outlook on life in general too.

I'm by no means fixed, I don't think I ever will be completely. I'm always going to have my little issues. But how I react and act based on those issues makes a world of difference to how smoothly my life runs.

I've decided I no longer want to do the job im currently in. Putting all the playground politics and ego clashes to one side, it is actually a very rewarding job. But its no longer enough for me. I feel like I'm wasting myself here. I could make so much more of me. The only question is what?

Those that know me always tell me I should work in I.T. which would be great, but I've been there, done that. When you have to fix a computer or solve a network issue because you have to rather than because you want to, the fun suddenly disappears.

So for now I'm scouring job ads, mulling ideas over. Trying to make decisions. It's not easy when you have no real direction already in mind. I have a few ideas, most of them would in the short term make life very difficult, but ultimately worth the effort. Some of them are possible, but wouldn't amount to much, and some are just complete pipe dreams.

One idea that always seems to bubble to the surface is writing. But this I've also tried. Unless you know what you want to write about in the first place it can be very.difficult.

I'm a big fan of the cyberpunk and science fiction genres. I have tons of ideas for cyberpunk fiction (as if there's any other kind of cyberpunk) but knitting those ideas together to form a coherent plot and characters is my downfall.

I have a note stored on my phone, I use it to jot down ideas for characters and plots I have for stories, who knows maybe one day I'll have enough for a story.

They say there's a novel inside everyone. When is mine going to make an appearance?

Words.

Random wordage in a some what poetic appearance. Off the top of my head.

Deflated, berated, sometimes hated
Understated, never rated, feel like I've been wasted.
Feeling the hatred, becoming elated
The rage in my brain becomes demonstrated.

Face burns red, I see oceans of dead, all around carnage, tears become shed. Feel I'd be better off dead, can't deal with what's in my head. I'll hide my words instead.

Devastation, will deflation, upside down conversation. Happiness on vacation, angers back in the station.
Manifestations of my frustrations, my rabid machinations twist every situation.

Soon after it subsides, feeling calm inside. The horrible rage is denied, deep down it will hide. But it will never provide reasons for my emotional suicide.

Feeling remorse is just par for the course. Guilt becomes a new force, a freshly gained source of uncontrollable thoughts.

Try my best to stay calm but soon my brain it just arms itself with new qualms where there's really no harm.

I miss music.

For the last week or so, I've been suffering from an ear blocked up with wax. Now I say suffering because I really have.

Anyone who knows me will tell you that music is a huge part of my life. Making and listening to music are my outlets. When things are getting me down, or I want to relax or if I'm feeling creative, music is my saviour.

Only recently I can't listen to anything properly, and It's really starting to bug me. I've been so desperate for a fix that I've been listening to my music through one ear....loudly. It's so disappointing to feel like you're next to the music rather than surrounded by it. I now know how it must have felt to hear music in stereo for the first time.

Music really is a big thing for me. From playing with badly out of tune guitars right up to fully fledged music production suites. Most people enjoy music on one level or another. I enjoy it to the extreme. I don't just listen, I analyse it. I register every intro, melody and chorus. I enjoy the writers chord and tempo changes. I observe how the drums and the bass and everything else together form a complex pattern. The pattern that more or less stays the same throughout the piece but has subtle chord changes that amuse and bring surprise. Changes in drum patterns that mix it up a little.

I appreciate all music, every genre from every country. It doesn't matter if I like it or not. When I think through the piece I can imagine the pleasure its creator must have felt putting it all together.

Strange habits.

So, as all babies/infants do, they explore and experiment with themselves and their bodies to learn about what it can and can't do. Today Zak found a new thing to do. He's already playing with his bits as most boys do (which incidentally never stops once we find out we have them). I expected that, what I didn't expect was him testing his gag reflex!

There he was sitting in his high chair, spoon in hand. Doing his usual which normally consists of fitting as much food into his mouth as he can, or rubbing it into his face, when all of a sudden he decided to see how far he could jam a spoon in there. What followed was gagging noises, a red face and lots of dribbles. My first reaction was to take the spoon away, but then instead he decided to shove his fingers down his throat! He spent the remainder of his lunchtime trying every which way possible to make himself gag.

If you've ever experienced what it feels like to gag like that, you'll understand that its not at all pleasant, which makes me wonder why on earth he was so determined to it. Maybe its just a new sensation and he's just making the most of it. I just hope he stops doing it soon because the sight and sound of it makes me queasy!

Poor mums!

My mother doesn't drive and neither do I.
I remember as a kid how we used to take the bus into town to do the weekly shopping. Now my mother used to have my sister and I and a week's worth of shopping to carry on one trip. She always, from what I can remember, used to manage it with ease. I have no idea how she managed I really don't.

Today I took Zak on the bus to pick him up some bits and pieces. Nowhere near the amount my mum had to get, and it nearly killed me! So now when I see a mum with a ton of shopping and one or more children in tow my heart goes out to them.

Mums are brilliant. Seeing deb with Zak always reminds me of that. The way his little face lights up with a big gummy smile, arms out stretched ready to give her cuddles.

It's funny really how I've spent so much time seeking affection and attention when all along without even realising it I have a little boy who gives me all the love I need to keep me going.

I've been so blind and caused so much distress and heart ache when all I needed has been right in front of me all along.

It's time I changed so I can get my life back on track. I'm never going to get anywhere thinking of myself and playing the pity card. I realise now that I'm only going to get love if I have love to give. Which I do. The solution is so simple, I just need to listen, and act accordingly. I'm not a victim so I need to stop behaving like one.

It's no easy task believe me. When you spend 30 years of your life with only yourself to look after its hard to put others first. But I know that's what I've been doing wrong. I spend a lot of time thinking that the problems I have are because I'm not getting what I want, when in reality I'm never going to get what I want unless I first give others what they want. It has to work both ways. No amount of complaining, whining, bickering or finger pointing can achieve what I want to achieve. Only by being selfless and putting others first, namely my son and partner will I get me the affection I would like.

I wonder...

I wonder what zak will chose as a profession when he's older?

One thing myself and his mother both love is music. I have my headphones on at every given opportunity, I have them on now as I write this. I also compose/produce music. This seems to be a trait that he definitely has. He loves to bop to music, he loves Take That (not my fault) and most other music. I've put my headphones on him a few times and every time he hears music, he listens with an intensity that's far greater than a passing curiosity. You can see the look on his face as he analyses every beat, every nuance, every lyric and tempo change.

We used to play music to him when he was swimming around in Debras belly. He would move to where the music was coming from so he could hear it better. At least that's what we like to think he was doing.

So maybe he'll have a musical career.

But then there's still time for him to become interested in new things, so who knows. All I know is I'm looking forward to introducing him to more and more things. I want to show him that the world can be an amazing place and he can make whatever he wants out of life.

More thoughts.

So I feel the need to talk.

What better place than here to air my current thoughts.

I've spent the last hour looking at pictures of my son. It's amazing how much he's  changed in such a short space of time.

From laying around on the floor to his favorite past time of pulling himself up to stand on furniture. From only being able to cry to saying mum and dad. From a gorgeous little smile to big belly laughs.

He has a personality now too. His little tantrums when he doesnt get his way. Being happy that he's banging two stacking cups together. Seeing how much of his penguin or starfish he can fit into his.mouth to chew. He's very inquisitive, there's very little he isn't interested in. I once managed to entertain him with one of his shoes for half an hour.

I love to watch him. The way he studies everything by slowly turning it around in his hands and looking at it from every angle. The little faces he pulls as he manoeuvres himself around on the floor. The attention he pays to your face when you pull faces at him. How he looks at the pictures on my t-shirts and then tries to pull them off. The way he plays peekaboo with my belly....yes you read that correctly. If I lay on the floor, he comes to me, pulls my t-shirt up and giggles at my hairy belly, he usually does this a few times before he.decides he then wants to chew my belt.
I love that he whispers babble to me and how he growls like a monster. He spent the best part of two days trying to curl his.tongue like mum and dad. He still can't yet, but I dare say it won't be much longer before he can.

I love watching him give mum kisses by planting sloppy licks on her face, and even tries to blow raspberries on her. I love how the simplest of his actions can bring a smile to mums face. I love how he holds my face or snuggles into my neck to get himself to sleep. Although I'm not a fan of it when he pulls my ear rings!

So many traits and habits at only 9 months old. I have loved watching him grow quickly from a baby to a little person. I can't wait to see how much more amazing he gets.

Don't know what you have until you lose it.

So, it's been a very long time since I posted anything on here.
I've been wrapped up in a plethora of drama. Which has been spearheaded by yours truly.

To surmise briefly I've been an arse. A real arse. A total complete and utter arse.

I have been coping with depression. I suppose on some level I've always been depressed. I have good days and bad, but lately I've been letting my issues affect other people, namely my partner. I've given her complete hell for the last 9 months. I've been expecting her to give me attention and affection when my moods have made her not want to. To say my behaviour has been unacceptable would indeed be an understatement.

I've made things so bad that I had to stay with my parents for 3 days. I became so wrapped up in my own internal dialogues and frustrations that I completely lost focus of what I should be doing. In those 3 days I didn't see my son once, which explains the title of this post. During those 3 days I had lots of time to think about what I've done and what I need to do to put things right.

I need to stop being so pig headed and realise that I'm not always right.
I need to stop trying to place the blame on other people for my actions.
I need to put my son first before everything.else.

That's what hurt me the most in that brief period of time. Not seeing my son tore me apart. I did consider visiting but with things so tense between her and myself I decided it would be best not to, because I didnt want an argument to break out in front of him, it wasn't a wise decision, but you live.and learn.

I've hurt my partner so much and I've made her doubt a future for us together. Those 3 days made me realise that I can't expect things to happen as quickly as I want. I have to be patient. I have to be understanding. I wish I could take back the horrible things I've said to her, but sadly I can't, the damage has been done.

So at this current moment in time my partner understandably is still enraged with me and my actions. I have now got myself some counseling organised.
So fingers crossed I can start to work through my issues for the sake of my son and my partner.

I know this blog was started as a way for my son to get some insight into what makes me tick as a person, so if you're reading this zak, I love you Mr T. Sorry I  wasn't around those last few days, I'll make it up to you I promise.

Total abandonment.

Have I abandoned this blog? The answer, which should be self evident because of the fact that you are reading this new post, is no.

Then why haven't you posted? I ask myself in the third person.....
All good intentions aside, it would appear that being a prolific daily blog poster is an intellectually taxing task.

So instead I'm going to be a sporadic blogger. A post here, a post there.

Anyway that's enough waffling for now.

So what's new in my mundane world? Well I have for the first time encountered the beast that is the private property renting world.

Making phone calls, and repeating answers to the plethora of standardised questions lined up, was by far the dullest objective of the mission. My God the drudgery! If I have to tell someone how many bedrooms I'm looking for again, I will hurt someone.....

On the upside it helped me remember my phone number. Which is something I never do. On a side note, isn't it time phone numbers were made obsolete? Unique phone identifiers via rfid anyone?

After the telecommunications nightmare comes the part that some of you might be familiar with.  The refferences part of the task is at hand.  Basically how this works is, you hand over an immodest sum of money to the letting agency. They tell you this is for administration. What they don't tell you, is that you've in fact paid them to do less work than you ultimately do yourself.

Now we are at the stage that requires much crossing of fingers,  and various other good luck rituals. Waiting for the paperwork to be finalised before we get the keys.

For something that you expect to be a little challenge, it's been the most frustrating, rage inducing, stressful few days of my life. Although I'm sure it will all pale into insignificance once the challenge of parenthood begins.

Debra.

Debra is my partner. My better/other half, my significant other, my fiancée.

The one person I put before everyone else, myself included. The person I can talk to, with a little coaxing sometimes.  The person that makes me feel good about myself, regardless of how bad I feel. The person that makes me want to grow and improve myself. She's amazing. Honestly.

Debra, The pregnancy hasn't always been much fun. The sore and battered body, the restless nights, the constant indigestion. But I appreciate all that you're doing for us. I also admire you for putting up with it for so long. I hate to admit it, but I don't think any man could endure pregnancy. 3 weeks into it, and I would want off the ride, and an immediate refund!

All I'm trying to say is thank you for lefty and thanks for being you :D

I love you x

The quest for hats.

I Like hats. Baseball caps, Beanies and Sock hats. My 3 favorites, followed closely by sun hats.

Now I have a baby on the way, I have another excuse to buy hats.

I spent many hours trawling the internet for the perfect infant cranium protector. Alas my efforts were fruitless. Then I remembered I have an ace up my sleeve. One of my sisters happens to be quite the seamstress.

So, those of you that are familiar with The Legend Of Zelda, and like myself are a big fan of the series, you're in for a treat. Call me a nerd or a geek, it matters not to me.

My sister has been entrusted with creating Links hat. Yes that's right, the dashing floppy green hat that's festooned upon one of gamings most enduring frontmen. Only in smaller proportions.

Pictures of said hat will be posted here as soon as I have it. Pictures of Lefty in his hat will be here as soon as he decides it's time to make an appearance.

My partner quite understandably, thinks I'm touched in the head. Yet when I asked if she would willingly dress him in bear suit pajamas, she said she would! So for once she can't argue! Yes! One point for me!

Either way, I wouldn't subject him to the whole green outfit, although I will confess, I was tempted for a short while.

8 weeks to go!

The impending arrival of my sprog, as mentioned before nicknamed Lefty is drawing ever closer.

Although my partner will disagree, it's not that long to go and the closer it gets the more excited I become.

At first, early on in the pregnancy I experienced the fears that I'm quite sure most dads have had. Will I be a good father? Will he like me? Will I cope? Does this mean my life is over? Have I made a terrible mistake?!

Well, at this stage I've had lots of time to think these things over.

Will I be a good father?  I like to think so, sure I'm not going to be perfect,  no parent is. But ill do the best job I can, and that's all I can really ever do.

Will he like me? That's silly, of course he will! I am after all a top chap.

Does this mean my life is over? Hardly. Its just beginning. Its going to be vastly different, challenging, time consuming and exhausting. But on the whole much more interesting than it ever was.

Have I made a terrible mistake? Not at all. I'm actually kind of regretting not doing it sooner, but then I didn't have the amazing person that is my partner in my life.

Exciting things are ahead, and many an hour has been consumed with wandering thoughts about the future. Nothing has swayed me about our decision. I can't wait to meet my son.

What to do?

4 days in and already this blog is taxing me. Its difficult to think of something to write about. But I've committed myself to at least one post a day. Something I plan to stick to.

Maybe I've set the bar too high? Maybe I'm just being my usual defeatest self? Or maybe I really just don't have anything to say today.

That does worry me somewhat. Throughout my childhood. I was that one kid that couldn't shut up. The chatterbox. So me having nothing to say is a scary prospect indeed.

I do waffle though. I can talk endlessly about nothing at all. It's an excellent self defense mechanism against people you'd rather weren't around you. 3 simple steps to get rid of them.

1: talk emphatically about a subject no one cares about. Here are a few ideas if you're stuck. The plight of Peruvian muscle farmers in a sea of political unrest. Why is the wax on Edam red? When it could just as easily be orange. How come no one Morris dances anymore?

2: Minor detail is king. Sometimes you can talk about something interesting, but by adding just a little to much detail, any subject matter can be rendered duller than any of Jordan's t.v. shows.

3: To make a long story short. This technique is a little more advanced. The best examples of the art form can be found in any place where people gather. It is a combination of the first two steps, plus the added ability to drag out aforementioned details.

A man who I worked with, who we'll call Dave, was an unwitting master of this. To give you an example, were someone to ask him what he did at the weekend he would tell them, but make the simplest activity sound like a high precision military manouver. The conversation would go something like this.

Work colleague: Morning Dave, get up to anything exciting this weekend?

Dave: Yes actually. I first awoke at precisely 6am, to do my usual weekly shop. First things first, I filled the kettle and waited for it to boil and then made myself a cup of tea. I remember the tea was particulalry hot as I burnt my tongue. Once I drank my tea, I went out if the house and got into my car. I drove along the road at approximately 40 miles an hour and was surprised that my usual journey of ten minutes took just over twelve! Imagine that, two whole extra minutes. Which is annoying because I had made sure I had enough petrol for a ten minute commute and this put my whole fuel system out of kilter....

Work colleague: Ummm well ok Dave I've got to ummn...bye Dave.

Dave: Did I show you the photographs of my new refrigerator?

The man was a genius. Only I don't think it was intentional.

Get up but no go.

So, I've been discussing this blog with a few people. The general feeling conveyed to me by most, is that it's a good idea.

I have one issue with myself though, that has been the bane of my existence for as long as I can remember. I can never motivate myself to carry out anything I want to do. I've had pipe dreams a plenty.

I think my partner said it best when I spoke to her about it last night. "You have get up, but no go"

I can't argue with that. It's been said to me on plenty of occasions. By friends, family, work colleagues. But this time I think things may finally be different. All because of an unborn foetus affectionately nicknamed Lefty.

I have realised my motivation doesn't happen because there are no consequences should I not follow through. This time I have a reason and a motivation. I want to set an example.

I want lefty to realise that you really can do anything if you put your time and effort into it.

It may sound like I've done nothing with my life. I've done things, but not things anyone would consider useful shall we say.

One of my favourite past times is producing music. I know my way around most music production software suites. I can reproduce music I've heard on the fly, or write my own from scratch. But that's all I've ever done with it. Its always been for my own satisfaction. If I had followed through when I first was introduced to production, I could by now be a significant player in any number of ways in the music industry. Again, get up, but no go.

So for the time being this blog will be my new pipe dream, only this time I will stick with it, and I will see it through to the end. Which will be either my own eventual demise, or the internet imploding under huge amounts of political, social and legal pressure (that's a topic for another day).

Crows.

Have you ever sat and watched crows?

They fascinate me. I understand them to be very intelligent. They've been studied by a whole myriad of people.

Putting their nut crushing and impromptu tool making skills to one side. I think there's a lot more going on with crows, than those that observe them suspect.

I think that crows are so intelligent, they've quickly worked out that it's best to keep quiet on the matter.

They've probably realised that the moment they open their beaks, they would be coerced into getting jobs and paying taxes.

That being said, the weird person that I am, I kind of like that idea.

Parliament discussing equal rights in the work place for our corvine friends. Televisual debates about the anti social behaviour of young crows harassing the public at large for scraps of food. Pressure groups fighting for the freedom to establish a nest in any tree they see fit, without planning permission I might add!

Yes, the world would be a much more interesting place. Although I would be a little jealous. Who can say they got fed up with their job to the point where they landed a peck right in the eye of the boss, crapped on his shoulder and flew out of the window?

Nothing to see here, move along....

I created this blog a little over two years ago. At the time I thought this would be a good idea. Something creative I could use as an outlet. At the same time something to share with the online masses. A thing to entertain people with.

After a few days of endlessly plumbing the depths of my constantly wandering mind. I came to the realisation that I simply have nothing to talk about.

No bizarre illnesses, no strange line of work, no family links to celebrities or notorious criminals. I'm certainly not an inventor, or a great mind with thoughts and ideas that can benefit human kind.

I'm just a regular man.

As I was sat on the train, traveling to my regular job, I started to think. Ok, so my life isn't that exciting. But it's not totally devoid of interest.

In nine weeks time I will be a father!

Before my partner became pregnant, I underestimated just how much this event can change your whole outlook on life, and also how much it alters the reasoning behind many if not most of your decisions. It's for this reason I have decided once again to start to keep a record of the random thoughts that pop into my head.

Maybe no one will read this, but then at this point I can't say I'm overly bothered by this. I just have the urge to document anything that pops into my head. One reason for this is because I would like my son to read it. I'm not the best at elaborating my thoughts aloud. So writing things down seems like the most logical thing to do.

I hope this will give him some insight into his old mans mind.

Anyway, that's enough waffling for now. Have to start my regular job.
How exciting!